Avery Post

I'm not the one with the problem

There are times in a relationship when one person is happy with things, so it comes as a surprise then their partner says I’m not happy.

There is a tendency to want to convince the unhappy partner to be happy, look at all the good we have got.

But this doesn’t help the unhappy partner to feel happy – the unintended consequence is that s/he might feel invalidated, misunderstood, or dismissed.

So if one person isn’t happy, if you are in a committed relationship, even if you are happy, then the relationship is not a happy one. To use a mathematical equation, if both partners are happy then their relationships score is 2 (1 plus 1). But in one is unhappy their relationship score is 0 (Minus 1 plus 1).

What’s your relationship score? You can only find out by asking your partner. Most of us are blind to the real condition of our relationship.

Be thankful if your partner shares when s/he is unhappy because a) they trust you enough to tell the truth and b) things that are out in the open can be worked on together. Being open and accepting leads to greater understanding and reliable long-term happiness.

If you find you can’t do that for each other, consulting a counsellor trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples can set both of you on path to deepening and strengthening your relationship.


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