Healthy Couples

You can't live with him/her and you can't live without her/him!

How I work with Couples

Relationships are very important to the health of our lives. By the time a couple come to see a counsellor there have been many incidences of hurt, frustration, and misunderstanding. When working with a couple I want to know what is was like when things were good between them, and what has gotten in the way of their ability to understand and support each other. It is important to remember hopes and dreams, but also to be realistic about what is possible in the hectic lives we live with so many competing demands that get in the way of healthy relationships. We look at the their beliefs and values about relationships and how they can communicate more effectively, especially about feelings and how to have a "fair fight". I work with heterosexual, gay/lesbian and transgender couples, respecting their unique histories, traditions, beliefs and values.

About Healthy Couples

We are all influenced by the relationships that we saw modeled as children. Many people say, I'll never be like my mom or dad, yet find themselves in the same difficulties, or if mom and dad never fought when conflict arises either partner can be confused and lost about how to proceed.

Research has shown that it is not whether or not couples have conflict that determines a successful and satisfying relationship, but it is how the couple perceive and resolve conflict that predicts which relationships will last. On average, about 67% of the issues that couples face cannot be resolved as they wish due to factors beyond their control such as illness, losses, or relatives; differences of opinions, beliefs or values; or innate abilities. This does not mean the relationship is not viable - but that acceptance of what cannot change with a positive attitude is important.

Healthy couples show the following characteristics:

Have a friendship basis to their relationship characterized by fondness, admiration and a turning towards each other;
Have a commitment to dialogue and allow themselves to be influenced by their partner;
Focus on the positive rather than the negative;
Have a foundation of "we-ness" rather than "me-ness"
When conflict arises they are able to listen without personalizing criticism, show concern for each other, use humour to release tension, and have strategies to repair the relationship;
There is no physical, social, emotional, cognitive or financial abuse. (In situations of abuse I would see each partner separately to ensure safety and a commitment to change abusive behaviour before I would see the couple together).